It's been a week
And I don't know myself anymore
But the doors to your home are unlocked
And I test them with shame high in my throat

I come into your dwelling place
To look around
To marvel

Being the first in line
Camped out in front
Is almost as good as being inside

You are lovely again today, Lord
But maybe I don't have anything to say

Ligaments stretch to connect
And my faith that you are still the same, good God
Patterns the day out in front of me.

Is this how it was for Jesus
Sometimes
When he went out to pray,
That you felt so far away
But he knew in his bones
You remained the same?

I don't like
What you're changing me to be
I was fine
Except, obviously, I was not.

How I do it
Is to start by
Never knowing where I'm going.

The problem with my voice
Is that it doesn't know what it wants to talk about.
I look within
And simply hear
A pleasant hum.

Horticulturalists often tell you
About their favorite plants.
No, that's not right.

We all remember
When I broke -
Around the time
My child hand
Was left
To stroke its own
Depersonalization

Why do the hard things?
Because some can't.
Because I don't want to be flabby
And I don't want to be bored.

Getting up doesn't happen
While you're held down.
You don't just burst through
The weighty hand of the Almighty.

I don't know how you did it
Meaning
I can't retrace
The pathways within myself that you used
To change me.

Windswept souls speak about
Their journey out of sand
Through galaxy storms.

Do you find yourself
Pleased to discover that you believe?
Then continue
Through to the end.

Since the last time I was demolished
The edifice of myself must be built more carefully.
There’s less pretense I even know the right way to be.

I need to be different than what I am
To earn the favor of God
Is what I've heard

If I get no other benefit
Than the pleasure of His presence,
Which I experience imperfectly
As I am imperfect,
Or the promise of eternity
A ways off and dim like glued eyes,
Will I follow him?

I go in again
To find you.
You know where you are.
I don't yet.